Atlantis is a Hard Road to Travel
by Elspeth1
Summary: The road to the Pegasus Galaxy is paved with good intentions and bad military strategy. Filk of Richmond is a Hard Road to Travel.


Since this is parody, it's probably protected under the First Amendment, but for politeness' sake:

**Disclaimer: **This filk is based on characters and situations created and owned by the Sci-Fi Channel, by Brad Wright and Robert C. Cooper, by the staff writers of _Stargate: Atlantis_ (of whom I am not one), and by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. The original tune, "Jordan is a Hard Road to Travel," was written by Daniel Decatur Emmett, and the Civil War filk "Richmond is a Hard Road to Travel," on which this set of lyrics is based, is attributed to John R. Thompson. No money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.  
**Posted by:** Elspethdixon  
**Rating:** G  
**Pairing:** Rhyme Scheme/Meter

Multiple attempts were made to include a link to Emmett's musical score, and to the original "Richmond is a Hard Road to Travel" lyrics, but apparently has become allergic to web addresses, so the curious will just have to google it.

* * *

A Southern historian once defined the Union's campaign in northern Virginia as "a road paved with good intentions and bad military tactics." Kind of like SGA's entire sojourn in the Pegasus galaxy. 

**Atlantis is a Hard Road to Travel**

Would you like to read my song? I'm afraid it's rather long  
Of the ill-fated Atlantis expedition.  
Of a couple hundred geeks, and some blue-skinned alien freaks  
And the very latest tragic off-world mission.  
'Tis terribly complex, and, like an Ancient text,  
'Tis a dreadful knotty puzzle to unravel,  
Though the SGC all swore, when they left th'Antartic's shore  
That Atlantis was a hard road to travel.

Then pull off your coat, and roll up your sleeves  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel.  
Then pull off your coat, and roll up your sleeves  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I believe.

Colonel Sumner, tough and proud, led a brave and hopeful crowd  
From McMurdo in the harsh Antarctic weather,  
But unfortunately ran on a Wraith dart (wretched man!)  
And had a painful journey altogether.  
He was tortured 'til he screamed at the hands of the Wraith Queen  
And shot by an Air Force officer.  
'Twas clear beyond a doubt that he chose a martyr's route  
And he never got a chance to try another.

Then pull off your coat, and roll up your sleeves  
For Athos is a hard road to travel.  
Athos gave us fits, and the Hive Ship made us grieve  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I believe.

Dr. Beckett found a means to engineer the Ancient genes,  
Though the FDA would never have approved it,  
And gave it to McKay, who tried it out to play  
With a shield device, and then could not remove it.  
The Athosian refugees viewed Atlantis with unease  
That was born out when a big black cloud attacked it  
But Invincible!McKay made a bold Hail Mary play  
And through the 'Gate the evil cloud departed

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel.  
They nearly gave up in terror and despair,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I declare.

Sheppard's team went through the 'Gate, and found themselves Wraith-bait,  
Repeatedly, 'til Sgt. Bates suggested  
That someone on their side was an undercover spy,  
And the refugees soon found themselves suspected.  
The Athosians were astonished and Dr. Weir, admonished,  
And suspicions turned out to be unfounded,  
A transmitter was located, hidden inside Teyla's pendant,  
And the Wraith's next ambush found itself confounded

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For Suspicion is a hard road to travel.  
The city wouldn't do; the Athosians chose to leave,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I believe.

Through the 'Gate they all trooped then, in search of a ZPM,  
And to trade with some peaceful Genii farmers,  
Then McKay and Sheppard found a city underground  
That was "hotter" than Manhattan in the summer.  
Instead of peaceful friends, they found A-Bomb building Reds  
And the Genii promptly took them prisoner  
Sheppard stole their data core and began a new cold war  
As if the Wraith were not sufficient danger!

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For treaties are a hard road to travel.  
Pick up your weapons and give up on trade,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I'm afraid.

With a killer storm outside, the angry Genii tried  
To invade beneath the cover of the deluge.  
Though McKay and Dr. Z saved the city from the sea  
The Genii showed up and took poor Rodney hostage.  
Sheppard, mad as hell, went commando on them all  
And mowed down Genii with great slaughter.  
'Twas a shocking sight to view, was Kolya's Waterloo,  
And the city ran with more blood than water.

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For a storm surge is a hard road to travel.  
Kolya got in a trap, which caused for him to grieve,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I believe.

Then the Wraith emerged in force, and their Hive Ships set a course  
For Atlantis, to eat them all for dinner.  
Weir couldn't raise the shield, and had orders not to yield;  
Her position was looking ever grimmer.  
The reinforcements SGC sent weren't enough to make a difference,  
Against the mighty fleet that now approached them.  
The Atlanteans, one and all, had their backs against the wall  
And feared that they were facing their destruction.

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For a Siege is a hard road to travel.  
The SGC soon may be holding a wake  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, no mistake.

Then said Sheppard unto Weir, "I've got a plan, I swear!  
McKay has built me weapons of destruction!  
To make sure of no defeat, I'll leave no lines of retreat,  
And fly our bomb into the Wraith formation!"  
His jumper's Forlorn Hope bought the city time to cope,  
McKay found one more last-minute solution,  
And the Daedalus and its crew rescued Sheppard, too,  
But they wound up losing Aidan in the long run.

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel.  
Sheppard saved the day, but nearly wound up dead  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, so it's said.

We are very much perplexed to know who will be next  
To attack the poor Atlantis expedition,  
To set the shield ablaze, revive sci-fi clichés,  
And send marines and scientists to perdition.  
Will the Genii return, and make Atlantis burn,  
Or will it be more Wraith, all blue and evil?  
For that prisoner was right when he said the Wraith would fight:  
"Oh, yes, Sheppard, we'll fight like the devil!"

Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel.  
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeves,  
For Atlantis is a hard road to travel, I believe.

* * *

I'd like to state for the record that the rhyme scheme was originally perpetrated by Daniel Decatur Emmett ("Jordan is a hard road to travel") and by John R. Thompson, the Southerner editor who originally filked his song, and is not my fault. Thompson's version also contains more hideously bad puns on "Stonewall," "Longstreet," and the like than anyone should be allowed to inflict on the world; I tried to limit myself to only two or three (bad puns, that is, not references to Stonewall Jackson). 


End file.
